Which Gilded Age President would be the best fit for a TV-Sitcom?
Rutherford B. Hayes
James Garfield
Chester A. (I have got bitchen mutton chops) Arthur
Grover Cleveland
Benjamin Harrison
Grover Cleveland Version 2.0
William McKinley
My choice would have been both Grover Cleveland's. But Mr. Boski what do you mean both Grover Cleveland's? Well the history books list him as the only non-consecutive termed president. But in actuality, Jules Verne cloned him. Mr. Verne cloned Grover because of a two-week opium bender with Thomas Nast and P.T. Barnum. Nast and Barnum had been berating Verne that he was a hack and shooting a cannon at the moon was "dumber than Napoleon the III". So he vowed to show them and show them he did. He created a fantastic cloning machine and cloned Mr. Cleveland as he was finishing up as the governor of New York and was embarking on his presidential campaign. The machine was only 98% ready, which lead to the copy that had an overactive shenanigan gland (that was according to leading phrenologists of the time). But sadly Verne's had some serious DT's coming down from the opium along with giant vultures dispatched by thHapsburggs destroyed the machine and any hope of fixing GC 2.0. Oh the mischief this caused. This was the basis of Verne's book "The Will of an Eccentric".
Another little know fact about this absolutely true nugget of American history was that Grover Cleveland 2.0, cost Grover Cleveland the 1888 election. This was achieved by 2.0's offending enough Ohioans with his drunken two-fisted tirades through the state, and his constant replacing the B in Buckeye with an F when talking about the Buckeye State. Grover Cleveland the Orginal, finally was able to corral 2.0 and end his reign of terror. In an little know 1892 duel, 2.0 was wounded from a derringer shot from Grover the Original's facial hair. Wounded and ashamed, 2.0 then fled to Portugal. Where he then raised a cat army that was poised to challenge the balance of power in Europe. Sadly, when 2.0 was ready to pounce upon Eurpoe, it all came to a tragic end. In 1908, he made the mistake of wearing a general's uniform made entirely out of tuna. His army then ate him. The cat army was not heard from again until the 1928 Olympic Games when they tried to enter as the independent state of Hairballistan.
As you can see that this has all the makings of a hit show on the WB with Chad Michael Murray. Who is with me?
1/11/06
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7 comments:
You might need to take it to HBO if v 2.0 insists on calling ohio the 'Fuckeye' state.
Hell, if Fox can keep 'Stacked' on the air there's no reason this can't fly, provided you get someone young and buxom to play Frances Folsom
William McKinley. Because he was shot in Buffalo.
The ironic thing is that he could have been saved. If they had only used one of the inventions that was being displayed at the Pan-American Exposition at the then 8th largest city in America. That invention was the X-Ray machine.
Woah. That's weird. That could be in your tv show. McKinley being wheeled away, the camera pans across with him, then stops and zooms in on the x-ray machine. an old lady looks at it, and goes, "scorcery!" and we have an ominous music sting.
CUT TO: Mrs. McKinley crying over her dead husband.
FADE OUT.
I smell an Emmy.
How are you planning on working "Fuckeye" state into a show about McKinley? Come On!
Well, Leon F. Czolgosz was a born in Michigan but grew up in brutal clown commune in Cleveland. So he became a huge Wolverine Fan and resented all things Ohio. He had met 2.0 in 1891 when 2.0 saved him from Bigfoot during a bar fight in Dayton.
The "history books" say he was an anarchist, but he was a gambler. He had remembered 2.0 and heard of his plight. So he tried to raise the money for 2.0's Cat Army by betting football. in 1900 he lost heavliy on the Michigan-Ohio State game. It is said that the man he ode money to was Teddy Roosevelt. So in order to repay the debt he was asked to shot McKinley, and the rest as you say is history.
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