Boski's Blogopoluza!

Thirsty Man Sells Beagle to Buy Beer.

Maybe this guy can move to my Mom's street, or even to mine. I think he would be accepted by the Hillbillies.

Now when this guy did it, did he get change? I am thinking even if he got a couple of beers and the beagle was in good shape he might have gotten back a couple Dachshunds.

What do my Mom's next door neighbors, my neighbors across the street and the Bumpuses from the movie A Christmas Story have in common.

Well there are two things in common.

First is that these are the same kind of people who feel the need to park whatever vehicle they may own, dirt bike, RV, boat, monster truck, car on blocks. Wherever and however they seem fit. It may be that they do not care, or maybe there is method (or at least meth) to their madness. It could be very zen, or it may just be hillbilly code I am not sure. My guess is that it is either due to the fact they may be too loaded to realize how to properly park, or they are just assholes. I think it maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.


The second item is their wonderful devotion to proper dog handling. We have all seem the Bumpuses dogs ruining the Old Man's turkey in the movie. Which leads me to this Boski useless segue. In Gene Shepperd's' book that incident did not take place at Christmas and it was not even a turkey. It was the Easter Ham. Go and amaze your friends with that one. I dare you. Where was I, oh, as I have typed here before thanks to the yokels across the street and their dog we have had to return the a gift their dog left for us. But the idiots who live next to my Mom did a great job of making sure that their dogs where tied up. Right now they are tearing up their backyard and putting in lord knows what. Probably something tacky, something dangerous and hopefully out of code so they can get busted. But one of their dogs got out on Christmas Eve. I see this as I am bringing in gifts to my Mom's house. The dog is a small white dog, but it barking like their is no tomorrow. I walk away from the dog, and it is still barking. I make no move toward the dog or anything to antagonise it. As I get to the door the dog is still going. Now the dog is on my Mom's lawn and it is barking and barking. So this tells me the hillbillies are either out or sleeping off the egg nog bender. Now when I get inside and close the door I think that the dog will back for a little bit longer and stop. Nope, it keeps barking at the house. The Hound of Hell sees me and my wife, in the front room of the house, so it is still barking on my Mom's lawn. So I close the shades. Does that do the tick? Nope, the little bastard continues to bark for the next two hours. Till it finally gets bored and runs back to Hazard County. If it was not for the thought of not making things worse with the neighbors we should have called Animal Control. As this is going on my Mom tells me that the Hillbillies saw here out one day and brought up the barking, since someone had complained to the hillbillies. They asked my Mom how our dog was doing and that the some of the other neighbors had complained about the dogs. Thinking, oh our sweet little dog can be the one you are thinking of and if it is it because of my Mom's dogs. My Mom had to tell them that Bunky, our beagle, had passed away two years ago. They had no idea. So it looks like they can't play blame the deceased dog any more. Poor Bunky, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed and (he got by on his looks), but to blame him for your dogs shitty behavior is low.

Typically Hillbilly logic. If there is a problem, blame someone else even if it has passed away.

Thinking about it I have an idea why the dog was so agitated, they must have trained it to ward of people who read books.

Here is a Boski Original, first used on this blog in Dec. 2005. I am bringing it back, since apparently I was also in a holiday malaise. After doing this I felt much better, but I am going to use the version I wrote to my roto hoops league (so that is why there is some bizarre NBA references), also punch it up a little so I can think I am cooler than I am.

Please enjoy.


DISCLAIMER ALERT!

Some of the content has been reformatted to fit Blogger Beta and some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Any unwritten use of this blog is prohibited by Major League Baseball . . . .

A Boxing Day Tale

By Boski


Next to St. Harold's Day to celebrate the the patron saint of Designated Hitters, and the Feast of McLean Stevenson, I love Boxing Day. Did you know that it has 86% more boxing than Arbor Day. Who knew, since Arbor Day brings out the pugilist in all of us, doesn't it? It is the holiday where we celebrate The Baby Jeebus victory over Frosty the Snowman, in a unanimous decision (He won on all three wise men’s cards), at Caesars, to win the Heavyweight title.






Shortly afterwards he performed the Miracle of the Blessed Press Your Luck. When he took four spins with three Whammies and parlayed it into $10,000, a Apple IIe, and a trip to Acapulco.








If that was not enough he stepped in for Jimmy Chitwood and successfully ran the picket fence to win the Indiana High School Basketball Title.

The joy was short lived. Baby Jebus soon was forced to flee to Idaho. The flight to Idaho, or Oregon's Spain for you Colbert viewers, was due to the evil Don King






with the help of Nevada Athletic Commission and a trumped up charge of cheating while playing Boggle.





Don was jealous of Baby Jebus and was P.O's since he refused to defend his title against Mitch "Blood" Green, or Peter McNealy.







So he sought to hunt him down and force him into a life of vice with Fitness Made Simple guru Jon "I am Tre Wingo's Frosted Tipped Brother" Blesdow.







Along the way Baby Jebus crossed the paths of Mr. T , Edna Garrett, World B. Free and Cooter. They started a punk/bluegrass/bass and drum super group. Think the Ramones, meets Foggy Mountian Boys and they are hanging out with Goldie's sound people all tweeked out on crank.

This new supergroup then lead the football Cardinals out of St. Louis and into the desert. Shortly afterward they built a workshop/disco outside of Pahrump, Nevada. And with the help from the Transformers and Alan Thicke, they made invented New Coke,





timeshare condos, grout, Police Academy Movies and vacuums. Each December 26th the Baby Jebus would load up his mint Yugo and deliver these gifts/tax write-offs to all the good children, penguins and utility infielders. All to celebrate the his wonderful deeds and to find a good excuse to find a way to waste a day playing Frogger.

The gig was good but the Baby Jebus wanted to get into other mediums. He developed a couple of hit TV shows, L.A. Law, Murder She Wrote and the Fall Guy. He also hooked up with and toured with Sir-Mix-A-Lot in the late 80’s. In fact, co-produced Mix-A-Lots album “Seminar” and co-wrote the hit “Beepers”. Sadly he was never given credit. After that fallout he had a sting of serious setbacks. First was the failure of his solo joint Oaktown 3-5-Jeebus. Then he backed the sequel to Buckaroo Bonsai, which lead to a near fatal run-in with Tree Rollins. He fled to Hungary, where he set up dry cleaning empire under an alias of Dolph Lundgren. So this left the others to run the workshop alone. They managed for a short time, but after shortly after the cancellation of Battle of the Network Stars, the holiday fell out of vogue. Then Cooter was eaten by Boss Hogg.








World B. Free was fired since he never passed the damn ball, shortly afterwards he took to seven seas and has never been heard from again. Rumor has it that he actually married his way into the Belgian Royal Family where he now only three mishaps from being King.





After these multiple tragedies things look bleak. What was needed was someone who could bring back Baby Jeebus and get also get the orginal line-up of New Edition back together. But another Boxing Day Miracle occurred. When the Prophet Margin's prophecy came to be. That a mohawked T.V. action star who fools would never receive pity from, would defy science and logic and give birth to three sons. One who would deliver excellent Boxing Days rating, especially in the 25 - 49 male demo. Soon on a cold December 26th morning Mr. T jibber jabbered three children into the world, at a dry cleaners in Munice Indiana!) Some say that the Shawn "the father of our country "Kemp was behind this, but we may never know. The three children were Yahoo Serious, Dwayne Schintzius and Emmanuel Lewis.

As you know everything with Yahoo was fine until he made the movie "Young Einstein".











It was because of that he went completely Australian. Though “they”/the government/The Man, will tell you he was already Australian, it is all a huge Capricorn 1 sized cover-up. Just like the existence of the state of Wyoming. It does not really exisist, could any other place other than Hades could produce Dick Cheney. Think about. Look Fennis Dembo was a government fabrication.


Dwayne Schintzius took his height to Florida where his college career took off, but he studied the black arts of Bill Wennington. Then when he ventured to the NBA he was struck by a lethal case of BeniotBenjimanitis. Don't believe me, just look at the numbers.



It was now all up to Emmanuel Lewis who even with his short stature, which was due to the fact he lost 3 feet of height due to bacarat losses he incurred. Proved his worth when he savagely bludgeoned Falco at the Third Farm Aid concert to gain access to Willie Nelson hair to retrieve Baby Jebus' keys for his Yugo . Soon he was off to Budapest and he brought Baby Jeebus and that frosty Lime colored Yugo back to the public eye. Soon he was back to that old Boxing Day magic. For that he was rewarded with a three picture deal from Fox Searchlight. He also received funding to launch a new international space station that will resemble Arnold’s from Happy Day to study the effects of Popping and Locking on the ozone layer He is now rumored to be engaged to Bea Arthur after his advances where spurned by one of the Hilton's, it maybe Paris or it could have been Barron Hilton, again we just don't know.


My tale is finished and I hope you everything I have said is true, true insanity, or is it????

Yo.

Don't blame me, blame the guy who cut the power line to my office. Nice job commodore. Because of that gaffe, I have been able to play hooky. In fact I was able to see the Better Half for lunch and I got some shopping done. So it has not been all bad.

Everyone have a good weekend.

I hate the block quote on this thing.

Either that or I am just not sharp enough to handle it.

First it was Iran's President, Iamadinnerjacket holding a conference on the Holocaust being a hoax.

Then today in Washington, feeling the pressure to do something, the White House hold a big send off for Donald Rumsfeld. Which to me is like HomeTown Buffet giving a party for Nicole Richie, it just seems so wrong and very pointless.

Well Boski the party for Rummy just sounds just stupid and not mind wrenchingly wrong as Mr. Iamadinnerjacket. (He will be called that until he comes down from the crazy mountain he is on). Yes, I agree to a degree, but some of the comments made by Bush and Cheney bring it back toward Delusionalville.

Our Fearless leader on Mr. Douchfeld,

"On his watch, the United States military helped the Iraqi people establish a constitutional democracy in the heart of the Middle East, a watershed event in the story of freedom," said Bush, who hugged Rumsfeld. "This man knows how to lead, and he did. And the country is better off for it."

Mr. Bush, I would love to know which country that was made better off because I would like to look into moving there. So you saying that success equals: a bloody civil war, sky-rocketing gas prices, regional instability that may lead to even more horrific bloodshed and economic meltdown, add the degradation of our armed forces and the United States standing going down the toilet. If that is so then mission accomplished!

As for Darth Cheney here a dose of sunshine from his soup cooler,

"I've never worked harder for a boss, and I've never learned more from one either," said the vice president, hired by Rumsfeld in 1969 into the Nixon White House. "I believe the record speaks for itself: Don Rumsfeld is the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had."

Oh how cute, are you two still dating? Hey jackass, I think you got your speech mixed up, that the one you were going to use at the Haliburton Christmas Party. If not then please drop the pipe and go lay down. Hmm looking at the quote it makes you think. Who would have thought after 1974 someone else from the Nixon White House would out do Tricky Dick himself for being the bigger a-hole in U.S. history. Well I will say that takes some talent and a lot of black magic.

As for old Rumsdouche he what he added,

Combative to the last, Rumsfeld took a slap at advocates of withdrawing U.S. troops from the war, now in its fourth year with more than 2,900 Americans dead. "It may well be comforting to some to consider graceful exits from the agonies and, indeed, the ugliness of combat," Rumsfeld said, choking up slightly as he capped a roster of speakers at his pomp-filled goodbye ceremony. "But the enemy thinks differently."

Good to see you have not lost that lovely sense of humor you douche crotch goblin. Now is that the enemy who was in it's last throws. Or is that one of the unknown knowns that you knew nothing to know about?

In his parting advice, Rumsfeld said America must increase investment in its military. "Ours is a world of unstable dictators, (What do you mean Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, oh and Iraq) weapon proliferators (Halibuton and KBR, oh I thought you said war profiteers ) and rogue regimes(Now we are talking Bush and Cheney, right?), and each of these enemies seeks out our vulnerabilities," he said. "Ours is also a world of many friends and allies, but sadly, realistically, friends and allies with declining defense investment and declining capabilities (Or maybe they just have the good sense not to get into messy regime changes or nation building) and, I would add, as a result, with increasing vulnerabilities. All of which requires that the United States of America invest more."(Wow, I mean obviously we have not spent enough in that past five years. I mean we are only talking billions Also we are obviously not as smart as you.)

Good riddance Rummy and again thanks for nothing.

P.S. I think it is a safe bet that Rummy raided the Pentagon's Office Supply room and stole whatever was not tied down. What a horse's ass.

I would now like to add the CVS that is next to the JuiceItUp.

Last week I got over a cold that hit me hard Monday and Tuesday. I feel better but since Wednesday, but all the crud and crap of my cold decided to find shelter in my lungs so I have been coughing and hacking. I have been hacking so much I may change my name to:





I miss you Hackman, in fact in honor of you I am going to go one flap down to the copier.

But I have been having coughing fits and it is driving me up the wall. It just seems what is ever in there does not want to loosen up and get out. So at time I sound just lovely, between coughing and wheezing like a broken accordion. I don't feel bad, well expect when the coughing make my head hurt. The coughing hits me when I get up, when I got to sleep, when I finish my walk and when right before I get ready for bed.

So you asking what does the CVS have to do with this. Well the Better Half went out and got me something for my cough. We followed Mr. Chris Rock advise, it was time to get some Tussin on it. So when she gets to the CVS, which is supposed to open at 7:00 AM it is still closed. She waits and now it is about 7:15 AM. So it looks like they are taking a cue from JuiceItUp. So I am adding them to the list of firebombing. So CVS "you are on notice!"

Now that was bad enough, here is the topper. At 7:15 as my wife waited, here comes Suzy Snoozebutton from the JuiceItUp. She had abandoned her post, to come over and get $1's from the CVS, which I can understand, but then these pearls dropped from her mouth,

"Wow I thought they were supposed to be open at 7:00AM."

I don't know how my wife did not hit her with a rake or any blunt object near by. I on the other hand would have gone across the street to the equipment supply company, and run her down with one of those Bobcats.

Just wanted to drop you all a little note.

I want to apologize in advance for any damage that may occur when I fire bomb the JuiceItUp. Since I will be doing this in the morning, it is affect traffic and people at the coffee place next door.

So you ask, why?

Well you see my anger comes from the fact that at least four times in the past 2 month I have tried to come down after 7:00 AM to get a smoothie before work, but it seems like the shinny bright employee of JuiceItUp, Suzy SnoozeButton and Henry Hungover feel that 7:00 AM is just way too early to open. If this will be too hard for them, then could you please change the hours from 7:00 AM to 10:00 to Whenever. Now being late 5 minutes, maybe even 10 minutes I can handle, hey that happens. But when it is 7:30 AM and you have been waiting for 20 minutes it tends to get me a little perturbed, since I have to get to a job myself. Hey I just want my smoothie, is that so wrong? Look I should be happy these slackers took the time to fill out a W-2, but come on. My suggestion to them is if the hours are a problem, I know a great field for you to work in. It is a work place that has great hours. You can show up anytime and it is okay. You know what it is called. Yes, it's called unemployment.

So merchants of the shops at the corner of Baker and Fairview you can see I have become a little bent out of shape about this. So when I whip up that Molotov Smoothie, it is not aimed at you.

Best Wishes From A Happy Costa Mesa Citizen

Was it really 35 years ago on a rainy Monday morning that I showed up?

35 is one of the milestone dates. I don't dread getting older, the only problem I have is just my knees seem to be more like 70, well maybe 75. I think back on 30 and I think wow. 2001, I had just been laid off, second time that year, a week before my birthday. Which was really nice since we were struggling to make the mortgage. So I felt totally lost at the time, and feeling like a complete loser. But I was a loser who could run 3 to 5 miles.

No real festivities today since it is a busy day for me at the old hospital. I have a dumb meeting that I have to attend, which keeps me from fleeing the hospital for lunch. I don't have really anything planned other than dinner with the wife. But Sunday was my time with the family and that is when I so scored (too bad the Broncos didn't Sunday):

Family Guy Season 3 and 4 (Freaking Sweet!)
Chicks Sporting Good Gift Card (Mmmmm UnderArmor)
Del Taco Gift Certificates (A long story)
Madden 07, (A total shock)
An Autographed Champ Bailey Football (Nice!)
2005 White Sox World Series DVD Set (I can and probably will play these over and over again)

God bless their hearts and god bless birthdays close to Christmas.

So add that with Friday at the Park, and that makes for a great weekend.

Where has the week gone. Well for me the weekend starts at 5. The Better Half is taking me for our annual ditch day to Disneyland. We have been doing this since '99. We still have people who can get us in so we go. In my tour of duty I always liked the park at Christmas time. It was tough to get mad even when guest would yell at me because I would not let their 30 inch child ride a roller coaster with a 40 inch height requirement. Or I didn't even mind when I would try to group French guests on to a train at Big Thunder, where I would ask how many? And they would yell, "We are French!"

So I am going to ride some rides, people watch, and enjoy some time with my wife. And that is how this busy weekend starts

Saturday I must venture up to Malibu. Team Boski is going out for a friend's graduation from Pepperdine. It is our second consecutive Saturday in that part of the world. Last Saturday we enjoyed the beauty of the Getty Villa. Even though I could have had a ticket to see the glorious defeat of the USC Trojans by the Bruins (It looks like USC can still get to Glendale, now they just can get on the 110 to the 5). Being at the Villa was more than worth it. Also I should have known that UCLA was going to win, since one of the rooms was devoted to Iliad and the Odyssey. Stupid Trojans, you lost because you fell for the old wooden horse trick. Everything at the Villa was just amazing. Even though my wish is to one day walk among the real ruins, I can be happy with what I saw. All I can say to all of you is go. Even if you have been to the real thing, go.

Sorry folks that is just the history nerd in me.

As for Sunday, it is up to stately Boski Manor for dinner with the family.

Well I have to get ready to get out of here, so everyone have a great weekend.

I am employed, I am employed!

I have gone from feeling like Jake Plummer to Jay Cutler.

Okay, I am almost employed, it is just a physical and background check away from the being the a freshly minted PI Specialist for Quality Management. So right now I must remind myself that the night before/day of that physical that it would not be the best time for NyQuil daiquiris and Poppy Seed muffins. As for the background check I hope they do not find out that I provided Scott Baio with the "Clear", so he could set the record for the Obstacle Course on Battle of the Network Stars, or that I was the Mole.

Wow I kinda feel like Pinocchio but without having to deal with the creepy old guy who says he makes toys. I feel like I have gone from Jake Plummer on the way out, to Jay Cutler and on my way in. Like Cutler, my performance may be like that of a rookie QB. I am hoping it will be more Marino and Big Ben than Akili Smith and Ryan Leaf.

Since they told me that I would have to interview for this position, I had been sweating it out. It did not help that the past week and a half, I have been in a really strong, "I am going to kick my own ass for all of my faults" kind of moods. Today felt like it was going to stay on that course. I woke up this morning still in that self-loathing funk. Adding to the misery was I felt like crap when I got into work. I felt like it a cold coming on or maybe just maybe it was Dengue Fever, who can tell these days. Around 11, I noticed my office mates where not around and my supervisor's door was closed. So I did what any good employee would do. I tried to listen in. I heard them mention my name and talking about me, and about what I am doing. I would have heard more but someone was coming, so I had to fain the whole, "I am just deep in thought and not trying to listen it" move. It worked.

So from what I heard, I thought, "nothing gets the Holiday's going like being laid off". Maybe I could still get a gig at a Christmas Tree lot, since there is no dog track near that I could bet on Santa's Little Helper. So, I sat and sulked and plowed through some work. Till around lunch and I just had to get out of the office. When I returned, my supervisor asked me to come into their office. Ah crap, I am going to get punked right here, right now. So I walked in and took a seat. I got the offer for the position, and not the bums rush.

So it took almost 2 years, but I may have health coverage again. Next to me, my dentist will be very happy, I will be able to send his kids and his grand kids through college and grad school now, twice.

I know the weeks ahead will be tough, but I will find a way to excel at this job, blog, watch football and holiday shop to the best of my abilities.

So I want to leave you with these words,

"San Dimas Football Rules"

You get a mint if you know where that is from.